-
BITE-SIZED NEWS, April 1st
CAMPUS Pokémon Trainer major to be offered fall of 2012 A new major was recently added to The College of Wooster’s academic offerings: Pokémon Trainer. Years of complaints from students about the lack of academic variety at Wooster finally paid off. Classes will be offered according to Pokémon type, allowing students to focus on a…
-
Dean Kracker in fact a cracker
Associate Dean of Students Christie Bing Kracker revealed last week that she is an actual cracker. “The time has come to tell the truth,” she said. “I am not not a human being. I am a Toll House brand cracker with light salt. I can no longer hide from what I am, and I hope…
-
Squirrels target students
Emily Bartelbum News Editor There has recently been an increase in incidents of squirrels violently targeting students with acorns. This past week alone, 10 students were admitted to the Student Wellness Center because of concussions and numerous welts after being pelted by the tree-loving villains, bringing the total to 87 squirrel victims so far. A…
-
Cornwell becomes galactic citizen
Ian Benson Ball so Hard After the stunning revelation that humanity is no longer the only form of intelligent life in the universe, President Grant Cornwell pledged to prepare students for taking a larger step in the world and a grander role on the galactic stage. “Today we stand on the precipice of history. No…
-
Student experiences ego death
On Saturday, a student under the influence of LSD was taken to the Wellness Center against his will after attempting to eat a dog owned by Dr. Hustwit. Upon being taken to Wellness, the student became increasingly combative, especially upon seeing the tropical fish that are held in an aquarium in the lobby. The student,…
-
Alpha Omega frarority emerges to hoard all beer
Students in withdrawal of beer, struggling to make it through rest of academic year Emily Bartelbum News Editor The full effects of the new Alpha Omega frarority have finally set in on the students around campus. Since the beginning of January 2012, all of Wooster’s fraternities and sororities have combined into a mega-fratority in order…
