Ian (with Eric)
Aww Man!!!
On Friday afternoon, Prudence Winslow, a sophomore at the College and member of the Tau Delta Omega sorority, was viciously assaulted by the driver and passengers of a 2010 Ford F150 as she walked down Beall Ave. The targeted attack, committed against Winslow’s now tainted innocence, is just one in a string of verbal terrorist incidents which have cost the College’s sororities high latte and designer bag fatalities.
Though the Security report states little about the specifics of the attack, Winslow recalls that having been overwhelmed by the wickedness of the assault, she lost consciousness for approximately twelve minutes. When she came to, she realized that she had dropped her latte, which had subsequently inflicted mortal damage to her Coach tennis shoes and Louis Vuitton bag: items which she believed to be extensions of her very being. Citing post-traumatic stress, Winslow has been admitted into the Student Wellness Center.
“I was walking happily, skipping really, to Drug Mart,” Winslow said to the Vice in an interview held Monday. “They came out of nowhere. How could they? How could someone commit an act of such exquisite and seething hatred? It must be Al-Qaeda.”
Born of modest means in Greenwich, Conn., Winslow’s bravery following her assault is a testament to the DAR scholar’s exemplary character. Considering the accusations of the attackers, Winslow is lucky to be alive.
“They said…” Winslow began, fighting back tears. Her mother interjected.
“They accused my sweet baby of “smelling like farts,” gasped Winslow’s mother who fell to the ground under the cruel weightiness of the sentence.
“I have never farted in my life,” Winslow shouted over her inconsolable mother’s hysterical sobs. “As a member of the College’s premiere social organization, doing so goes against my values, my belief in the human spirit, and the Tau Delta Omega Rules of Conduct,” Winslow said. “It would also mean that I had achieved the impossible. Not a single Winslow woman has farted since 1692, and she was burned as a witch.”
In the wake of this most brazen attack, Security and Protective Services is suggesting that students refrain from skipping down Beall Ave. while drinking lattes. The College Administration has further begun an emergency fund to replace the angelic Tau Delt’s designer bag.