Lowry swiper accused of spiking cookies with cocaine
Alana Debooty
Who dat?
Wooster’s own Joyce Carter was arrested early Tuesday morning and charged with drug possession and tampering. Apparently, Carter has been spiking the Lowry cookies with cocaine for most of her employment at the College.
Many of you have observed the enthusiastic, almost frantic way The College of Wooster students scarf down cookies in Lowry. From their first day on campus, the new first-years begin to take on characteristics of drug addicts or hoarders. Many students, upon swiping into Lowry, will consume as many chocolate chip cookies as physically possible, sometimes using swipes to pay for takeout boxes, which they just fill with more cookies. More frugal students will subtly wrap cookies up in napkins and hurriedly stuff them into pockets. Social norms no longer apply when it comes to Lowry cookies, and students don’t seem to care about either the impressions they are making on other students, or the havoc they are wreaking on their cardiopulmonary system.
In fact, this reporter has news from a reliable source that a group of three seniors have plans to fail I.S., so they can return to Wooster next year, as to not have to sacrifice the cookies. One of these seniors, who requested to remain anonymous, stated “I probably won’t go to class or anything. I mean, those cookies … it’s totally worth the $1,800 tuition increase next year.”
These seniors aren’t the only ones who are enchanted with Lowry’s goodness-filled pastries. Many students contacted the Board of Trustees to demand that the $30 million used to renovate the PEC and build the Scot Center be placed into a special “cookie fund” for Dining Services. They argued that the money would be better used to purchase unique flavors of cookie, and perhaps provide hand-delivery service of the cookies to students in the dorms on rainy days. The Board disagreed, however, and insisted that the money go towards improving the overall health of the campus. “It’s just ridiculous,” said Katie Stephens ‘15, “People on the board probably haven’t even tasted the cookies. Their ideas about what is really important to this campus are just so skewed. They’re out of touch with the students.”
Well, the mystery surrounding this flurry of addictions is no more. Carter, the jolly and amicable Lowry swipe desk employee has been working with a hidden agenda. While Carter has a genuine love for The College of Wooster students, she has her own system to ensure her relationships and high status are preserved. For three years, she has been sneaking into the kitchen during the hour before each shift and pouring cocaine into the cookie batter. Her scheme was able to persist for so long because she would choose times when most workers were out front, and thus afforded privacy. Because the powder looks like flour, Carter was often able to simply pour it in in front of people, and it looked like she was just thickening the dough.
When asked why she did it, Carter replied, “I meant well, I really did. I only spiked the cookies because I love the students, and I don’t want them to leave me. The problem with colleges is that students always graduate and they never even come back to visit.”
Carter’s hearing is scheduled for May 15, though it looks like she may have a shortened sentence if she bribes the judge with colorful drawings and flattery.