Dean Kracker in fact a cracker


Associate Dean of Students Christie Bing Kracker revealed last week that she is an actual cracker. “The time has come to tell the truth,” she said. “I am not not a human being. I am a Toll House brand cracker with light salt. I can no longer hide from what I am, and I hope that the student body can accept that.”

Faced with questions of whether or not a cracker is truly capable of dealing with human students, President Grant Cornwell said that “the first step to becoming a Global Citizen is accepting all other cultures, and that includes anthropomorphic foodstuffs.”

Cornwell did not respond to insinuations that he is actually an ear of corn with a goatee.