New changes to go into effect immediately, penalties for violations dire
Ramrod Kincannon
News Editor
In order to combat the rising rate of binge drinking and drug use on campus, a series of changes to the College’s security policy has been proposed. Some are more drastic than others, but the College believes that these new changes will help create a “campus community we can be proud of,” according to Dean Kreuzman.
There are four major rule changes in the new Scot’s Key, which was passed quickly and unanimously last week. They are:
1. Smokers will be shot on sight.
2. Security now reserves the right to irrationally target any groups of people they please.
3. Men and women are no longer allowed to dance together at the Underground (UG).
4. Students will be flogged in public on Sunday mornings for violations of the Scot’s Key.
The proposed rule alterations are to come into effect immediately. Chief Glick, the head of Student and Protective Services, was thrilled with the changes.
“You know, I came here with a mission. That mission was to cut the drinking rate to zero. Those old rules? They didn’t help me get the job done,” said officer Glick, “in order to cut down on the drinkers, I completely ignored real issues like safety and security, especially on Beall Avenue. Now, the administration has given me the tools to focus on the only issue we care about.”
Dean Kracker expressed similar enthusiasm. “I especially love the fact that we can put a complete end to smoking. Officer Glick already carries around his handgun 24/7, why not let him put it to use?”
The rules stand to impact many students’ favorite weekend and late night spots. Julia Zimmer, the head of the popular UG, briefly stated, “well, it’ll certainly make my job a lot easier.”
Many students are upset by the changes to the UG policies. Daniel Casto ’12 was dismayed by the fact that his favorite place to “cruise for babes” was going to be undergoing some “harsh changes … that’s a real problem for me.” He went on to say, “I go there a lot, and everyone knows that you can’t stop this ass on the dance floor.” Matt Kodner ‘12 said, “it doesn’t matter much to me, I can still dance up on Dan Casto’s donk.”
Perhaps the most controversial change was the decision to start flogging violators of the Scot’s Key. Dean Holmes loved the idea, saying “part of being a global citizen means evidencing your principles on a global stage. Plus, we must start punishing people the way the majority of the world gets punished.”
Though not all faculty members are totally in favor of the new changes, all were told by President Cornwell to “get in line,” noting that he authorizes their paychecks. There is no word on whether or not Dean Kracker will be doing the flogging, though considering past history, she seems like a likely candidate for the position.
“I’d much rather Jaret Richard Rodgers be roaming around campus than for our students to drink,” said officer Glick.