MLB
FAT GUY SPECTACLE RUINED
A ground ball that hit Detroit Tigers third baseman Miguel Cabrera in the face two weeks ago may have ruined a rare spectacle — that of a fat guy throwing across the diamond to another fat guy. Cabrera, who is a noted fat person, moved to third base from first after the Tigers signed former Brewers all-star and even fatter person Prince Fielder. The Tigers were experimenting with putting Fielder on first and Cabrera on third, which could have led to some amazing fat guy double plays. However, Cabrera’s injury may lead to him taking the role of designated hitter, where he will only be fat on offense.
NCAA Basketball
DAVIS’ UNIBROW RULED INELIGIBLE
Just as the Kentucky men’s basketball team prepared to take on rival Louisville in the Final Four, star center Anthony Davis’ unibrow was ruled ineligible by the NCAA. An investigation revealed that Davis’ unibrow had committed several NCAA violations, including signing with an agent, meeting with New Jersey Nets minority owner Jay-Z and taking Davis’ Scholastic Aptitude Test for him. Kentucky coach John Calipari said he had no idea that the infractions had occurred, fooling nobody. With the unibrow out, Kentucky loses much of its length, which is an integral part of their defense.
SOCCER
MUAMBA PROUD TO BE LIKE NIKKI SIXX
Bolton midfielder and hair metal enthusiast Fabrice Muamba announced on Tuesday that he is proud to share company with Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx. Muamba collapsed during an FA Cup quarterfinal on March 17. His heart stopped beating on its own for 78 minutes before he was revived by doctors. Muamba idolizes Sixx, who was declared legally dead for two minutes after overdosing on a speedball in December of 1987. Muamba plays bass in England’s premier Enuff Z’Nuff tribute band when he is not playing soccer. Muamba told the press, “I guess you could say that the doctors really kickstarted my heart.”