Tommy Lasagna
Professional Impasta
After multiple incidents involving College of Wooster students and Wooster residents, the College is taking action to improve relations between students and community members. After many hours of meetings, the College has managed to find a solution that administrators believe will be best for everyone.
Rohini Singh, assistant professor of communication studies, and others involved in the planning committee, first proposed a program called “Bridging Along Beall Avenue” (Rejected titles were “The A.P.E.X. of Engineering,” “Take that, Princeton,” and “It’s Britney, Bridge!”).
In the words of President Bolton, the College is “constructively turning a new page, and building a footbridge over Beall Ave.”
“Working in the field of communication studies, it is usually best to talk things out. This is not one of those times,” Singh said.
It will improve the issues many students have had with community members by building a bridge across Beall Ave. in order to avoid any further contact with Wooster residents, who will be able to drive on the road beneath the bridge. The bridge will be high enough to avoid flying objects such as water bottles, and will emit a loud bagpipe sound in response to any verbal taunts. Students will be elevated and able to literally walk with their heads in the clouds, as is proper for a liberal arts education.
Those concerned that the construction would make navigating campus difficult will be glad to hear that the project will be completed piece by piece, gradually closing the student body off from the community entirely. This slow pace may seem like it is not actually solving the problem between students and members of the community, but it does fit the work ethic of most Wooster students — avoid at all costs. Construction is set to begin in 2019 and will be completed in 2030.