Tavis Marman
Total Cutie
In what witnesses described as “a total freshman move” and “beyond inconsiderate,” Stephen Glansburg ’15 scanned a 40-page document in the CoRE at 8:54 a.m. on Monday. One of the two CoRE printers was broken, and as a result a line of more than a dozen disgruntled people formed behind him.
“I was trying to print my I.S. and this asshat decided the 9 a.m. rush was the best time to scan a mammoth document,” Ian Benson ’14 said. “What a tool. I’m gonna find him during the parade and puke on him.”
Several students in line were on their way to morning classes when Glansburg took over the printer. “My professor sent an email at 8 this morning saying we needed to print out our reading and bring it to class,” Sarah Carracher ’15 said. “My alarm is set for 8:30 and the class is at 9, so I had to rush out here and lo and behold, Stephen fucking Glansburg is holding everything up, as usual. And he wasn’t even printing! He was scanning a document to use later!”
When asked for comment, Glansburg was a tremendous asshole. “Not my fault that the printers are always broken,” he said. “They could have gone and used the one in Andrews Lower 2.” What a shitstain.
Witnesses reported seeing Glansburg at lunch on Tuesday cutting into the Basics line from the front and taking the last scoopful of tater tots from the pan before taking a large circle table for himself. He was last seen ordering a white mocha from Old Main at 11:57 a.m., because he “needed the energy to read for my 2:30 class.”