Arthur Donan Coyle
Sir
Dean of Student Affairs Kurt Holmes and his Assistant Dean John Watson have reportedly made great strides toward uncovering the perpetrator behind the fiery inferno that engulfed President Cornwell’s car early last semester. Holmes’s shrewd observational skills pointed the way to Professor Moriarty of the Math Department, who evaded capture by Security and Protective Services (SPS) by mere seconds.
“In the remnants of the fiery wreckage he stood. Tall, imposing, his shadow fell languidly across my visage as he turned slowly, hands slightly apart, fingers touching right under his nose,” said Watson. “He stared at the ground. I could tell from the twinkle in his eye that he had an inkling of who had done this heinous deed, what foul person was responsible for this terrible occurrence. He would make them pay.”
Watson was sent by Holmes to fetch SPS, who responded to the threat by driving up and down Beall several times, hoping the problem would go away. Watson returned to find Holmes staring wistfully at a spot on the wall near an open window and knew the game was up.
“Holmes is given to periods of inactivity during the work day, but never for as long as this,” said Watson. “Unless, of course, our catch has got off the hook. I knew that had to be the case here.”
SPS has renewed their efforts to find Professor Moriarty in light of this incident; search parties went out far and wide. Officers were seen at Papa John’s, Buffalo Wild Wings, Dunkin’ Donuts and Movies 10, but Moriarty could be found at none of those places.
Professor Moriarty was purportedly enraged that the College had declined to provide the Irish Dancing Club, which he advises, with the full amount of funding that they had requested. Finding no other healthy outlet for his fury, he decided to take matters into his own hands.
“He was ranting and raving in the faculty room the other week about how standards were slipping and someone should take action,” reported an employee of Campus Dining Services who asked to remain nameless. “He did, though, seem to be enjoying the eggplant parmesan, so I wasn’t too worried about him. We have a saying around here: ‘There are no bad apples around eggplant parmesan.’ I thought he was just a nice guy having a bad day.”
After the original investigations by both security and the Wooster Police Department had stalled, President Grant Cornwell was reportedly seen slinking in the shadows around Holmes’s place of residency at 22B Beall Street.
“Holmes, while an excellent uncoverer of criminal misdeeds, is a bit of an unsavory character among some of the upper-echelon Woostonians,” said Cornwell. “Going to him for help is like having your shot blocked by [Dean for Curricular and Academic Engagement Henry] Kreuzman. It has to happen every now and again, but you’d rather no one see it when it does. So hopefully you’ll understand why I was reluctant to be seen going to him for help.”
Holmes had been a long time between cases, and it showed when Cornwell went to visit him.
“He looked homeless,” said Cornwell. “I’m standing there looking at this man surrounded by hookah smoke, violin in one hand, revolver in the other, staring at the wall. It looked like he’d never seen the sun a day in his life!”
Mrs. Hudson, Holmes’s housekeeper, vigorously corroborated Cornwell’s statements.
“When Holmes has a lot of time off, he tends to stop showering, stop shaving and so on. Basically, he stops acting like a human. This time was especially bad. I hadn’t seen his hair that long since his pre-grad school days, and it looked like he’d started cutting his beard into shapes resembling local aviary. I had to clean him up pretty nice for the Cornwell thing. Let’s just hope it lasts a little longer this time around.”
At press time, Holmes had not yet returned to the hookah he dearly loves. He was seen being berated by SPS Chief Glick, a barely noticeable smirk on his face as he contemplated what Moriarty’s next move might be.