Rachelle Wartwoman
Actual crossroads demon
After this year’s Academy Awards, it was as if Jack had sunk into the freezing ocean all over again, but this time it was The Academy and Matthew McConaughey who didn’t make room for him on that plank of wood. The world watched in horror as Leonardo DiCaprio fell into a silent despair when he lost what some called his last real chance at an Oscar.
Conceal, don’t feel. Don’t let them know.
Sources close to the actor expressed concern when they reported Leo having left the lavish Governor’s Ball early with a tiny wooden box muttering to himself, “It’s okay, I’ve got a plan. Get to the Crossroads.” While most thought it was just the stress of the evening getting to him, it turns out this story has a surprising twist that goes deeper than your average celebrity scandal. It seems for DiCaprio, desperate times called for desperate measures — so desperate, he was willing to trade his own soul for what he desired.
After eyewitnesses to the night’s events came forward with testimony, DiCaprio’s publicist had no choice but to release a statement on the actor’s behalf. The statement along with some of the eyewitness testimony is as follows, “On the night of March 2, 2014, Leonardo DiCaprio, under the influence of a considerable amount of alcohol and after having gone through a very traumatic event, made the rash decision to call upon the help of a very old, and very dark tradition. He did in fact visit a type of crossroads, although not in the way you may think (he misunderstood the legend and instead went to the vegan restaurant called “Crossroads” on the corner of Melrose in L.A.) to summon a demon in the hopes that it could give him what he wished for. I guess the devil has a sense of humor because it actually worked.
A beautiful woman with glowing red eyes in a long black dress appeared out of thin air, ordered a veggie burger, and then sat down next to Leo to make her transaction. She told him that he could have anything his heart desired for one simple price — his soul. Although overwhelmed by this, Leo knew what he wanted and would stop at nothing to get it. He told her what his deepest desire was: he wanted that Oscar, dammit! She smiled and said ‘as you wish,’ kissed his lips, took a bite of her burger, spit it out (it was too dry), and before vanishing into nothingness, she slyly said, ‘Oh, just one little thing. It’ll be an Oscar for Lifetime Achievement. Hope you don’t mind.’ Her distant cackling could be heard, mixed with the shrill sobs of DiCaprio as the restaurant began to fill with his adoring fans. He was removed from the establishment and taken to a psychiatric hospital nearby where he is now resting after his horrifying ordeal. No further questions at this time. Please allow him to live out his remaining years in peace.”
This is truly devastating news regarding one of the world’s greatest and most beloved performers. I’m sure we are all hoping for the best for him in his recovery and his future career. For now, Leo, just remember, you’re waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don’t know for sure. But it doesn’t matter. Because you and your Oscar will be together.
Anyong’s Confession
I’ve always known that you can learn a lot from a good film. The High School Musical trilogy was practically my bible from ages 14-18 and whenever my boyfriend and I get into a fight, I ask myself What would Bella and Edward do? Although my cinema appreciation is noting new, it wasn’t until recently that I realized how movies could help me with the biggest decision that I have faced in my life thus far: What do I do after graduation? As a senior English major, the job market is practically my oyster. The only issue is that I really have no idea what I want to do. However, after recently watching three spectacular films, my eyes have been opened to some fantastically appealing post-grad options.
A few weeks ago, I watched Wolf of Wall Street and my mind was blown! Who knew the stock market could be such an exciting, enjoyable and rewarding career path? If being a stockbroker means doing Quaaludes with my buddies, using little people as pseudo darts and lots and lots and lots of money, count me the frick in! Though I never really pictured myself working in finance, it’s hard to watch snippets of Jordan Belfort’s life and not want to live it yourself. Honestly, who hasn’t secretly wanted to do cocaine out of a prostitute’s ass? That guy is the man!
If I opt out of the Wall Street route, another possible career path I’ve considered is becoming a homemaker. A recent viewing of The Stepford Wives has shown me the good that a little conformity and a lot of plastic surgery can do! I’ve always known that I want to have a gaggle of children sometime down the road, and the women of Stepford opened my eyes to the importance of having a robotically perfect mom at home. Honestly, those ladies have set the bar high!
With spring break just behind us, another option that I am toying with is living out my days as a long-term beach bum. Harmony Korine nailed everyone’s vision of a good time in his film Spring Breakers– — I can’t say I would mind turning my life into an extended party involving drugs, alcohol, guns, pink ski masks and lengthy make-out sessions with the local rap talent of St. Petersburg, Fla. In the wise words of James Franco’s character Alien, “Sprang break forever.”