194 injured, 76 missing as campus experiences unexplained tragedy
Action Benson
Mixtape out this July
The Wooster Bubble, previously thought to be simply a metaphor for the division between the College and the community, was revealed to be a real, physical barrier and ill-defined cosmic force Thursday afternoon when it catastrophically burst, causing widespread damage. Estimates are still coming in, but currently the death toll stands at 23, with nearly 200 injured. An additional 132 students remain unaccounted for.
The Bubble was said to be a protective barrier which protected the town from students and students from the town. Witness reports varied based on location, but all reports featured a small series of explosions before what one eyewitness described as “shards of glass the size of Volkswagens” fell from the sky. Fires broke out in Bornhuetter Hall, Wagner Basement is currently suffering from flooding and a sink hole opened up and swallowed the Holden Annex. Efforts to make contact with any potential survivors have thus far been futile.
The academic quad is in a similar state of disarray. Most windows on campus have shattered and the western Kauke turret collapsed. No one has bothered to assess the damage done to McGaw chapel, considered a lost cause since shortly after its completion and now viewed as a “fixer-upper.” Lowry Center, the Scot Center and the libraries all suffered minimal damage, though the printers were destroyed in a brief period of looting that followed the initial catastrophe.
Any explanation for what caused the tragedy is still just speculation at this moment. At roughly the exact time when the explosions occurred, a small poverty outreach group was headed downtown to volunteer in an effort to “strengthen ties with the local community.” Wrecked with survivor’s guilt, one member of the vehicle who earlier promised to “burst the Wooster Bubble” was seen quietly sobbing and saying to himself, “I didn’t know. I didn’t know. Oh God, what have we done?”
Others have looked to religion as an attempt to explain the chaos that occurred. They claim it was a sign of the end times or that it was divine punishment for the unrepentant hedonism that occurred on I.S. Monday. Some argue that this was caused by alien intervention and one person put forward the bizarre theory that this was a failed attempt at viral marketing for the upcoming CBS adaptation of Stephen King’s “Under the Dome.”
Classes will be canceled for the remainder of the week while the damage is cleaned up. Half-hour counseling sessions are available to traumatized students in the relatively unscathed Wellness Center.
In related news, tuition will experience an even greater increase than previously anticipated to offset the cost of repairing the damages, the administration announced earlier today. No official figure has been reported.