Matt Kooner
I am glad that the feminists on campus have decided to identify themselves through their provocative photo campaign “This is what a feminist looks like,” because now I know who is definitely a feminist. I suppose this is an ample opportunity to introduce myself. I am Matt, and if there was a card to carry, I would be a card-carrying member of the patriarchy, because I was born a guy. There is nothing anyone can do about this fact, and I see no reason to challenge it. Society has reached its cultural zenith principally because of ideologies reinforced through the patriarchy. Blockbuster movies are the thin layer of adhesive that keep this American society from tearing at its seams, and are only possible because of the patriarchy.
Before entering my in-depth discussion of that space jail movie that came out today, allow me to list some of the endless modern-day benefits made explicitly possible because of the patriarchy: prosperity; modernity; the Internet; protection from bandits; doors held open for lasses and ladies alike; dunkaroos. The list is endless. What have feminists added to society? Just a sizable carbon footprint from all their bra-burning demonstrations. Case in point. Did protesters ever think to offset their noticeable damages to society? No. Patriarchy 1, feminism 0.
In a non-patriarchal society, would a movie such as the space jail one released today be possible? “Lockout” features a dashing young lad who has to contain a mutiny aboard a totally rad jail orbiting in space, except there is also the president of America’s daughter there on a goodwill mission and she has to be saved. Perhaps a feminist would make a film detailing the First Daughter’s heroic exploits escaping the jail in space all on her own, but that would not be a fun movie to watch. Did you see “Hanna”? Or “Tank Girl”? Or “G.I. Jane”? Those movies were stupid and no one saw them because they were stupid. To be fun, movies need a hunk of a man to go in and rescue the self-proclaimed feminists who are realistically unable to save themselves. In my perfect patriarchal society, the daughter would have an opportunity to snap off a few witty digs at the hunk, and leave it at that. Until a feminist makes a good action movie, I am fine continuing to live amongst the patriarchy.
Before you try to throw “The Hunger Games” in my face because it stars a young missus, let it be known that it was directed by — wait for it — a man! Gary Ross in fact, who wrote the script of the widely-regarded patriarchal masterstroke “The Tale of Despereaux.” A quick Google search of “Gary Ross feminist?” results a paltry 76 million hits, and none of them contain information that Ross himself is a feminist. Therefore, the patriarchy emerges on top —again — and I see no reason to change the way things are. Long live the patriarchy! Until the end of all time!
Matt Kodner is a copy editor for the Voice and can be reached for comment at MKodner12@wooster.edu