Matt Kodner
A short while ago at a casual party, a close friend of mine was approached by a young missus, who proclaimed to him that she “don’t like no Fakers.” Needless to say, they did not hit it off, and she remains a subject of ridicule to this day. Why? Because this school needs Fakers, plain and simple. A campus without Fakers would be a life without drama, excitement and fun.
Imagine a world where everyone was courteous to one another, helped each other only out of the kindness of their hearts, and asked for nothing in return, except perhaps a warm and friendly hug. Pause your vomiting, and take comfort that this dystopian nightmare is just that — a simple flight of fantasy. Rest assured, we indeed talk a whole lot of shit. But think how much more shit we could be talking, if only the Fakers would emerge from their thinly-veiled cocoon of piety and marginal Realness.
As a community, we thrive on hot gossip, unnecessary snarkiness, and general meanness. If Wooster lost our core constituency of Fakers, campus would surely erupt in a Puritan bloodbath of repressed chaos. There would be no outlet for the Real folks to dish, and would turn against those who front the least, instead of those who do nothing but front. So I issue this request, a plea even: Fakers come home. We need you. To those with famous uncles. To those who lost their virginity in fifth grade. To those who ball on and off the court. Come hither, and make our lives interesting by proxy. Even if you like dubstep. Especially if you like dubstep.
Imagine a world where you can’t talk smack about your best friend’s ugly-ass dress, or who they tenderly smooched on the floor of the UG? What would be the point of having friends who make poor choices? To sway them away from stupidity and encourage them to better themselves in constructive ways? Laaaaame. That world is stupid, and I do not want to live in it. Only a loser would, and The College of Wooster is no place for losers, basketball teams excluded. Wooster is an influential hamlet for independent minds to think alike and gossip together. We are a school on the academic rise, and deserve to be treated as such. Bring on the Fakers. In droves, if possible.
Perhaps the greatest benefit of the presence of Fakers is their propensity to need to feel unconditionally loved. Fakers traditionally spawn from magically perfect upbringings, and therefore have gross amounts of money at their disposal. Because of these two known realities, Fakers tend to throw booze at those in their proximity, which means more fun for everyone. Lest you — the Real — be drawn into their destitute abyss of Fakeness, enjoy them while they last. Eventually, they will turn on you. Because you will be too real to handle. And when that glorious day arrives, we will know we are the true and rightful Kings and Queens of Wooster.