Emily Bartelbum
News Editor
There has recently been an increase in incidents of squirrels violently targeting students with acorns. This past week alone, 10 students were admitted to the Student Wellness Center because of concussions and numerous welts after being pelted by the tree-loving villains, bringing the total to 87 squirrel victims so far. A trend has also been noticed: Almost all students that have been targeted were wearing beanies with animal faces on them.
The squirrels seem to find an unsuspecting animal-hat-wearer walking alone and gang up on them, often attacking in numbers of tens and twenties. The following shower of bombarding acorns is unavoidable, and often ends in an unconscious victim splayed across the sidewalk.
Security and Protective Services officers are concerned for the safety of Wooster’s students and faculty. “We recommend that you never walk anywhere alone,” SPS Director Joe Kirk said. “If you can help it, try to avoid any animal hats and challenging stares at the squirrels. They are not backing down, and we may have to take serious measures to stop this threat.”
Squirrel traps were to be set up all around campus, but are unlikely a successful plan. Therefore, more drastic measures have been taken. Steve Glick said, “We’re in the process of hiring military-trained snipers to patrol the roofs of all academic buildings. Any attack-in-progress witnessed will result in the immediate shooting of squirrels … we will do anything to make sure this campus is safe.”