Students in withdrawal of beer, struggling to make it through rest of academic year
Emily Bartelbum
News Editor
The full effects of the new Alpha Omega frarority have finally set in on the students around campus. Since the beginning of January 2012, all of Wooster’s fraternities and sororities have combined into a mega-fratority in order to prevent all other students (“normies”) from drinking all of their beer.
When asked what prompted this culmination of all of Wooster’s Greek groups, Colton Spaulding ’12 replied that members of the Greek community were simply tired of having all their money wasted on other people.
Alpha Omega has set up shelter in Bissman Hall. All dorm residents were maced and taken from their rooms by frarority members and thrown into the streets, left to fend for themselves. The windows of Bissman have since been boarded up and all doors are guarded 24/7 from intruders. “The campus has become an absolute wasteland,” Steve Drought ’14 said. “We [normies] don’t have anything to keep us going on the weekends. Most of my friends just lay around any dark area, whether it’s their room or some corner behind Lowry, just mindlessly reading the Wooster Ethic over and over again until they’ve become robo-cops. Campus definitely isn’t the same anymore.”
Instead of succumbing to this tragic fate, Drought has teamed up with seven other students in an effort to overcome the Alpha Omegas. “We managed to breach the building during a hazing event,” Ezra Pint ’13 said. The pledge slay-masters had herded all the pledges into the basement so they could beat the shit out of them. The only reason these last eight students have survived as long as they have is by rationing shots from handles of Kamchatka vodka they managed to steal. Many pledges’ motivation this year is to simply have easy access to alcohol. In an effort to weed out these “fake” pledges, Alpha Omega members decided to take things to the next level.
The acceptance rate was only around 20 percent since so many people pledged this past January. Those accepted experienced daily beatings with socks full of soap, as well as whippings to remind them they are not to interact with normies ever again for the rest of their lives. The 80 percent that were not initiated were decapitated in an effort to prevent information of the frarority’s building security from spreading to the normies. Needless to say, enrollment is also down this year.
Normies are distinguished on campus by disheveled hair and/or ripped clothing, overall lack of motivation (and personal hygiene), the Wooster Ethic in hand and most likely depression. “This just shouldn’t be permitted,” Pint said. “We can’t be expected to survive like this, what are we supposed to do with ourselves? Everyone is miserable.”
President Cornwell is also concerned for the College’s student body: “While problematic incidents are almost non-existent on campus anymore, students do seem to be declining in enjoyable personality.” In an effort to fix this campus-wide problem, Cornwell plans to admit 1,000 students in next fall’s first-year class.