I’m pretty big on keeping up with the latest trends and fads. For example, I saw the current legging trend coming in 1992 when I sported my first pair of florally-adorned stretchy pants. As someone who is fully enveloped by the now, I can tell you there is nothing more fashionable right now than denial.
I am proud to say I’m an avid denier. It’s kind of like being a hater, but it’s much less active, making it much cooler. To show what it takes to excel in this avant-garde domain of denial, here is a small list of some of things that are very stylish to deny right now.
Aging: I’m not getting older. I’m just getting lazier, less ambitious and more obnoxious to an increasing proportion of the population. Age has nothing to do with it. In fact, this has been my plan all along. I’m intentionally mimicking the effects of aging now so in a few decades, I will similarly be able to “youth-enize” myself back to a more vibrant state and really enjoy my 50s and 60s. It’s like hibernating for the winter or napping before a party, and if Joan Rivers has been doing it her whole life, so can I. Aging, denied.
Global Warming: Not real. Perfect example: the first week of October on campus. Many of you recall the plunging temperatures where nights dipped into the 40’s, propelling the school to prematurely turn on the heat in Armington Hall (hint: 95 degrees is not a comfortable resting temperature in any climate ó turn it down). If warming were occurring, would it have been that cold that early in the year? Absolutely not. Even if warming is occurring elsewhere, Ohio is fighting that whole climate change idea by giving us lake-effect snow, random sleet showers and late October tornados to remind us all that nothing here is ever consistent. Warming, denied.
Anyone Going For An Easy Fast Break Lay-up With Kobe Bryant Chasing Him Down From Behind At Full Speed: Denied.
Evolution: I don’t have a problem with Darwin’s theory of natural selection or with the idea that we share a chromosome or 12 with apes. What bothers me about the theory of evolution is old Charlie had it backward. I can think of five separate occasions where I could have easily solved a problem by throwing feces at somebody (four of which involved meter maids), but our primitive social norms prohibited me from acting in the most advantageous way. A monkey wouldn’t have thought twice about what to do. He then would have spent the rest of the day communicating with his friend in the yellow hat. We’re the most highly evolved life form? Yeah, right. Denied!
The Contention That D’Nile Is Just A River In Africa: Denied.
Gravity: Yes, I’ve heard what goes up must come down, but I’ve found some very compelling counter evidence to this claim: The Internet. Once something goes up there, it’s up for good. If you don’t believe me, ask Kim Kardashian, Greg Oden or anyone on campus with a Facebook. Gravity theorists just borrowed their ideas from sex-ed classes and passed them off as their own. (Attraction between heavenly bodies? Please.) Deeeeenied.
Now before the campus goes up in flames and calls in Al Gore and the anchors on MSNBC for my common sense intervention, know that I don’t really think all (if any) of these things aren’t true. I’m just saying that if you want to convince a really good denier of something, you better be ready not only to prove it but prove you proved it as well. And denial is just too easy and hip for that to compete with. After a few minutes of strenuous proving, most people run out of steam, stop making sense, forget where they were going or start to feel woozy and before long they’reÖ Wait, what was I trying to say? Oh, yeah. Denied.
Laney Austin is a News Editor for the Voice. She can be reached for comment at LAustin11@wooster.edu.