Don’t get me wrong, The College of Wooster is in dire need of a new athletics facility, and with $30 million set aside it looks like we’re getting a pretty good one. The old PEC and its facilities were, to put it nicely, subpar, and these new additions will add to the athletic competency this school has and deserves in the future. If you’re like me, however, you’ve probably wondered what else the College could spend such a large sum of money on. Well, I’ve done all of the necessary thinking for you, and now I present to you five other options Wooster could spend $30 million onÖ
5. Monorail ó Wooster is by no means a large campus, but to get from one end to the other can sometimes be time-consuming. So instead of calling Security to give you a free ride or stealing your roommates’ car (sorry, George), the most logical solution is to install a monorail system at The College of Wooster. While this sounds like a great solution to an age-old problem, after much research I found the only labor we can get is Woo-Corps. Any volunteers?
4.† Purchase Dino’s, Icehouse and Gary’s ó As College of Wooster students, it’s a well-known fact that there are only a few places to obtain certain beverages. If the College were to use some of that money and buy the aforementioned local distribution points, not only would they not spend it all, but they would make up the money spent after approximately three I.S. Mondays. Also, in some sobering twist of fate, most students would get a first hand look at their tuition money.
3. Get everyone in the school a Scot Dog Hat ó This actually addresses two problems this campus faces. One, that students are not as stylish as years’ past, and two, that the squirrels are purposefully trying to knock acorns onto our heads. I understand that economic times are tough, but tights are still not pants, and Uggs don’t ever look good. On the other hand, the squirrels have clearly gotten ticked off at our collective lack of elegance and have begun pelting those offenders with acorns. By adding a Scot Dog Cart hat, shaped like a hot dog and bun, the campus’ style would immediately upgrade and at the same time we would be protecting our heads which we spend thousands of dollars every year to fill. That’s what I like to call killing two birds ó I mean squirrels ó with one stone.
2.† Everyone gets a Vespa ó Chances are you’ve seen President Cornwell riding around the sidewalks of our campus on his motorized scooter. Now, wouldn’t it be great if you could be just like him? The biggest advantage would clearly be to avoid awkward confrontations such as running into a Wednesday night hookup on your way to your I.S. meeting, or your first-year roommate who you thought transferred. Not only does this eliminate communication, but also it follows the College’s green initiative, as these scooters average around 95-100 MPG. I’ve also already done the math for you ó with $30 million, the College could purchase over 9,000 scooters for students to use. However, to fall in line with our President, helmets are not included.
1. Pay excess students’ tuition to leave ó There are too many people at this school. Yes, while this is mostly the doings of a larger-than-normal first-year class, there is still a way to fix it. How bad has it gotten? For one, in order to eat lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays in a timely fashion, one must go to Lowry before FYS lets out. Because this is a problem that’s been ill-addressed, the only logical solution would be to pay for students to leave. If students are paying approximately $45,000 a year, then Wooster could pay for 666 students to go away. That’s like kicking the Class of 2014 out AND giving people you don’t like the boot. That’ll teach you, Admissions Office.