On Friday the 11th, I settled into an otherwise empty theater with a friend, prepared for the noon premiere of ìSorority Row” ó the film one Internet Movie Database user defines in a message board subject as, ìThe Second Worst Thing To Happen on September 11.”† While no self-respecting spectator will hail the movie as any sort of cinematic masterpiece, those who can stomach its brand of crude, stereotypical, politically incorrect humor will embrace it for its simple campiness.
The horror begins with the opening credits, a whirlwind scene of a sorority house party heavy on grinding, binge drinking and semi-nude hazing rituals.† The opening shot tracks through the party and eventually introduces the sisters of Theta Pi, women with such a profound sense of solidarity that they are moved to say pathetic but plot-accelerating lines like ìyou cheat on one Theta, you cheat on every Theta.”† The main characters in the senior clique immediately begin to toast to the characteristics that make each sister special ó thereís a reckless alcoholic (Margo Harshman as Chugs), a token Asian whose presence makes her friends feel ìmulticultural without having to do anything” (Jamie Chung as Claire), a ìspell-check with a nice rack” nerd (Rumer Willis as Ellie), a queen B (Leah Pipes as Jessica) and a bland one (Briana Evigan as Cassidy), who bears the closest resemblance to a protagonist.
After learning that fellow Theta Pi Megan (Audrina Patridge) has a no-good cheating boyfriend, the women attempt to teach him a lesson by encouraging him to slip Megan a date-rape drug, providing Megan with an opportunity to fake her death. In a bizarre expression of grief, the boyfriend ó believing that he has roofied his girlfriend to death ó† actually kills Megan by stabbing her through the chest.† Concerned about losing their futures and, more importantly, their boyfriends, the women agree to cover up Meganís death and finish senior year.† Until, eight months later, their secret falls into the wrong hands and a serial killer in a graduation robe begins slashing the sisters in ways that are not even very suspenseful or creative, compared to countless other cheap horror films.
Boasting an impressive cast of reality show ex-participants (Audrina Patridge, ìThe Hills,” Jamie Chung, ìThe Real World: San Diego”) and children of famous people (Rumer Willis, daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore; Robert Belushi, son of Jim Belushi), the actors are as inexperienced with their performance skills as the screenwriters were at fleshing out an engaging, original plot.† The real star of the cast is Carrie Fisher (ìStar Wars”) as gruff sorority house mother Mrs. Crenshaw, who, with her drinking-alone habits and rifle-slinging, is far from her days as Princess Leia.
Packed with a healthy dose of soft-core nudity (a gratuitous shower scene cuts to the chase), even more soft-core gore, bros, breast augmentation and slut jokes, Sorority Row is a winner.† Had I not known any better, I would have thought it was cutting room floor footage from Quentin Tarantinoís younger, less polished years.