Letís be honest ó Cleveland is going through tough times.† Not only is the economy going steadily downhill and jobs disappearing like cell phones at a frat party, but Cleveland sports teams are feeling the repercussions of all this.† So, what to do?† Below are some promotional ideas that are guaranteed to put money back into the the city,† and if they donít work, well … letís just hope they work.
1.† Monetize off LeBron James while you still can
The Cavs may have gotten Shaquille OíNeil, but LeBron is going to want more money regardless of what happens this season.† Come basketball season he may single handedly run the Ohio economy, but letís face it: Mr. James is headed to New York.† So, what can the Cavs and Cleveland do to financially benefit from LeBron before his contract runs out at the end of next season?† Make any LeBron James function something you have to pay for.† Did you fawn over LeBron on a street corner?† Fifty bucks, please.† Have any Facebook pictures of you and him?† A hundred a piece.† And for companies, you can even rent out tattoo space on his body!† Prices are negotiable.
2.† Sell Anderson Varejaoís hair
Before you move to the next point, hear me out.† Much like his play, none of Varejaoís hair is used to really help his team.† His hair is clearly well taken care of, which means it will probably have the highest resale value.† Judging by how his hair flows when arguing foul calls with referees, Varejaoís hair could produce some high quality jackets and/or toupÈes.† That way, instead of posting meager career stats of six points per game and a† solid six rebounds per game, Anderson could redeem himself somewhat by financially contributing to the Cavs.† So while heís spending some quality time on the bench, he can hawk luxury coats to the patrons sitting courtside as well as find equal time to argue with his teammates over poor officiating.
3.† Brady Quinn/Grady Sizemore mud wrestling match
Out of any of these promotional ideas Iím submitting, this would easily be the most prosperous.† If I were their agents, I would be all over this idea regardless of hurting their street-cred.† I can picture it now:† Billed as a one night HBO pay-per-view event, two budding stars from a struggling city mud-wrestle it out to see whoís the strongest.† Just by quickly judging the number of female Cleveland sports fans, this can already be penned in as an instant success.† Someone really should call me about a job…
4.† Actually accomplish ìMajor League”
Although a radical move, this promotional idea seems to be the only one already being put into place.† Much like the movie, the Indians are an absolutely dreadful team.† Although they donít have an ex-convict as their closer, Kerry Wood looks like one. My suggestion óIndians front office should try to overthrow the Washington Nationals as the worst team in baseball, and have the players revolt by winning games.† Then, fans will flock to the ballpark with revitalized hopes, and the Indians will be a financially stable organization.
5.† Inform fans it could be worse
Cleveland is the losing-est city in the United States when it comes to sports.† No, really, they are ó in 2004 ESPN proclaimed Cleveland as the most tortured sports city.† But who can blame them?† Their last major sports title of any kind was in 1964 when the Browns won the NFL Championship.† Iím proposing a new attitude I think Cleveland sports organizations should use for promos ó ìat least weíre not Detroit.”† Detroit may have won three times as many (21) championships than Cleveland (seven), but itís important for Cleveland fans to remember that Detroit is home to the worst team ó the 2008 Detroit Lions.† Now that should really help spirits, and hopefully pocketbooks.